Every time I guilt trip Sparrow about his sleep, I know it’s wrong. From a stern chat, to an all out mum-tantrum complete with tears, I lay it on thick about how I just can’t take it any more & he just needs to learn to sleep. I know it’s not right to do that, especially the screaming. But I have no other resources right now.
We’re approaching 30 months of wakefulness. 2.5 years of waking on average twice a night. Nights like this tip that average to 3-4 times a night. The last time he slept all night? November 2010. 5 entire nights. What a gift. Thanks.
And now it’s 10min past midnight and I’m sitting outside his door. No point sleeping. No point even laying down. Not even on the couch. And I have nothing left in my bag of tricks. No compassion. No empathy. Just self pity and self hate. And the perverted comfort of knowing my exact & heartless response to the next waking: a fresh wave of guilt laid thick on my son about how I just can’t do this one more night.
So I may as well use this wakeful darkness of night & soul to find some resources to get him to stay sleeping.
After my hissy fit and one more small resettle, Sparrow slept until 7am without interruption. 6 hours of pure sleep. It’s been a long time since either of us have got that.